Jan. 23, 2008 : How i deal with my issues coming up doing this process

[June]

Today, i was reading the structural resonance from desteni and i felt overwhelmed knowing the truth about how we were programmed (Veno:Structural Resonance):
www.desteni-universe.co.za

It just upsets my stomach and the reason is that i have issues with my "love" concept including issues with my mom and dad and 3 failed relationships for the 48 yrs.(i am tempted not to tell you my age but i thought this is an exercise of self-honesty so why not?) i stayed in this world. When i was a kid, i know something is wrong. My mom used to help people a lot and feed us and care for us more than she cares for herself, you know, the "giving" kind of person.

I always thought that is too much but somehow i watch myself most of the time doing
what i don't like her doing. These issues I succeeded in hiding through doing meditation. I started when i was young so i was able to push those inside, very very well.

The bliss in my meditation became my passion and my identity for about 20+
years. That's a long time. Now that i have defined myself as that blissful being, here comes Veno telling me that all the bliss i had was programmed. Yes! when did bliss became a problem?

So many people are begging the Masters for them to have this experience. That made me cry because of despair and anger. The self-deception list from desteni helped me a lot to get through those moments of dying and being born again. Because it was not my personal list, there were statements there awakening other issues i am not aware of that is tucked in beneath piles and piles of trash.

That's quiet a revelation. So, now i feel like vomiting when i read this stuff. I feel
a mixture of anger, frustration, hate and loss. I actually feel like dying and being born 10 times with the associated pain and all.

I did not know i had these feelings.I was in bliss all the time, with this high in my beck and call it never occured to me i had these feelings. I hid them really well so i cannot confront them.

I actually have difficulty even expressing them, thanks to you guys. Your self-honesty and courage was so infectious. When i read your blogs it sounded different from mine.After i read yours i will read mine and i felt somehow it was fake. But i thought why is this? I know it wasn't fake, i didn't lie about what was written there. Yes, but somehow, it was superficial.

I am always touched by your blogs. I later figured out why, and that is because you are just goddamn honest about your stuff. Ann even says she cares about what others think about how she looks. Well that to me is honesty. I wont say that in my video, because i am just dishonest (besides i don't have a video, lol!).

So now, i cannot help but tell you this shit in my life. Mind you i don't even swear before , lol! (and i don't even know what lol means, now i am even using it).

Anyway, i am slowly getting out of my box and slowly reclaiming the lost honesty and innocence i once had. thanks to you as me doing this processin support of each other.

When i feel nauseated and overwhelmed by my issues, this is what helps me, I read the self-forgiveness list from desteni (Veno) and get my breathing done properly. When thoughts come up during the day, i just looked at the issue associated with the feeling or fear coming up and do the specific self-forgiveness
for that paricular issue ( plus "i release all thoughts associated with this thought and the refractions thereof from my dna and all thoughts i don't know about that is not aligned to me as one as all expressions of life")

That always work for me.

The one tool that also helped me a lot is to say the forgiveness list from the point of view of me as cause rather than an effect of my issues so i read them with the proper breathing rhythm. When i breath out that is when i read the statement. Then, i breath in as i am and at the moment i breath out as all life, that's when i say it aloud. I am then in the right being-ness when i do it.

Enjoy.

June
www.onenessandequalityaslife.ning.com

[Ann]

I enjoyed reading your post June.
Feeling of sickness..having to throw up...kind of like releasing things. it all comes out... menally and physicaly.
Kinda cleaning yourself out abit.

Its not hard to hide yourself under feelings of bliss and trying to achieve it all the time. Religions do that. I made a video about that today, its on my youtube page. About believes and stuff like that.

its just so frustrating sometimes if you really look at yourself and notice all these layers of thoughts who are always there... then I feel fake.
Like the fake you spoke about...it reminds me of that.
Just to be so fake, so full of shit and underlying experiences and thoughts which I have build up.

lol means: laugh out loud or laugh on line
lol :P:P

I use the ":P" smiley alot. Dunno why but it suits my expression.

So I have been feeling bad also, this feeling in my chest and stomach area....realising things, realising what we have done to this world and ourselves. Its huge.

[Bernard]

June

I have cried for life so many times-- I stood in awe of life so many times--the patience life have with us while we get lost in dreams in our mind while the suffering is all around us--and we feel nothing--we call the suffering in this world life--we must be mad to do this--to not really feel--or really see

this is a process--to reconnect as life--to become self honet--to cry--to stand --to scream--to be each being suffering--and each one forgiving--and each point of honesty--and when we are done--life will be here--life will be real--and we will trust ourselves as each other as life--and love will be born from the depths of our pain

and no one will ever be a slave to separation again

enjoy

[Ingrid]

Yes June, dreamworld fallen in pieces. I was in this spiritual field for a long time also, and deleting this stuff isn't easy, it was my whole world, my truth. Now I am looking at myself, asking myself 'how could I ever ever believe that all the pain in the world had nothing to do with me, just karma... " Ah well, I never believed it genuinly, but couldn't figure out how to deal with it, so eventually I preferred to believe this bullshit about karma.
And now when I hear people talk like that, the way I used to talk, I want to puke. Because I hear myself and how deceitfully it resonates... I am ashamed.

[June]

Yes, Ingrid. I am angry.

When i hear my friends talk about these stuff, i look at them as me and i realize that no matter how difficult this process is, where i am now is a relief compared to then.
How i fooled myself in believing the un believable lie. About 28 yrs. later, that's when i questioned my master while meditating, I asked, If i am God like you as you said i am, how come i am also your deciple/devotee?
These are 2 opposite things

It dawned on me just then, there is only one truth , it is one or the other. It cannot be both. I then woke up from my dream.

Enjoy.

[Bernard]

Cool

june--common sense now emerging as self

many questions to be asked in common sense--we have much to do--it is about 30 years to go if we are really effective--which is unlikely at the momemt as so many istrapped in the illusion of the mind dreamworld

[Marianne]

- 30 years - 300 years - a moment.

My mind loves getting hooked up on numbers. Looking for anything to hold on to so that it doesn´t have to let go.
All I do know is that we are in process. And that it is inevitable. It is done.
So mind knows its a goner and meanwhile I just apply myself - no matter what.
Patiently and with determination!

Thank you guys for sharing!

[KIKI]

June thanks for sharing

Marianne,agree with you completely